The Real Top Ten

Saturday, December 22, 2012

I know the world isn't going to end on December 21st, 2012 because my blog allows me to post after that.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

LOL WeDnEsDaY

Oh dictionary dot com, you got me again with your crazy articles about grammar!

"Why do we capitalize the first-person pronoun, I? The short answer is because we do. But that’s not a very satisfactory answer. Even though it feels natural to English speakers, capitalizing I is unusual. In fact, English is the only language that does. Germanic and Romantic languages typically have some conventions for capitalizing proper nouns, like Deutschland (in German) or Place de la Concorde (in French), but English is the only one that selfishly insists on capitalizing the personal pronoun. We do not, you will recall, even capitalize we. "

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

SECRET #12:

When I spend more time being happy, I can allot more time to thinking thoughtfully about things that interest me rather than being wholly consumed by fears or concerns. I am finding myself again to be interesting, thoughtful and intelligent. It feels like finding an old book you once loved, blowing the heavy dust off of it, then inspecting its interior to find that everything truly is the same.

I missed blogging. I missed analyzing feelings and writing and exploding and escaping here. I'm so happy to have my little RTT world back.

I don't believe in religion, but this is a sacred space.

Through Fire and Flames

The alarm did not go off. It was supposed to go off in the event of a fire. You expect these things to work. You don't wake up everyday wondering if your fire alarm is in perfect condition. I didn't ever think about it because I didn't believe it would ever happen to me. I never thought that I would be the one with a burning house. Maybe next door. Maybe down the street. Not here. No, not here.

It was hot. I shimmied out of my blanket. The smoke was so thick in my dark bedroom that I thought my eyes were still closed. I felt around for the light switch. It illuminated the thick, dark-grey cloud that nearly covered my room from ceiling to floor. I could feel my pupils widen with fear. What the ef do I do? My instinct was to drop to the floor like fire marshals had taught me to do in preschool. Who knew those demonstrations and field trips were actually helpful? I wasn't covered in fire and decided that I didn't need to 'stop, drop and roll'.

S***, what do I do next? I grabbed a tee-shirt from my floor and held it upwards, reaching for my doorknob. It was hot. I remember being told to never open a hot door in the event of a fire. However, this door was my only way out. The window was not an option. I was in an apartment building and was twenty-five stories high. I decided to crawl over to my wall, open the window and let out the smog.

I began to choke. On my way back down to the floor, I grabbed my phone that I had left on my desk and dialed 911. I couldn't hear them. I don't know why I couldn't hear them, so I just started screaming.

"Help" pause. "Help me. Please, help me" longer pause. "THERE IS A FIRE. I NEED YOU TO HELP ME".

I ended the call.

I began to feel tears swell in corners of my eyes. The stinging must have also been from the smoke. I wasn't sad. I was annoyed. I was angry. I felt helpless. I felt so alone.

Wait... no I wasn't?

I frantically called back.

"HELP. YOU NEED TO GET ME OUT OF HERE. I DON'T KNOW IF MY MOM GOT OUT. I DON'T KNOW IF MY SIBLINGS GOT OUT. I DON'T KNOW IF HE GOT OUT. I DON'T KNOW IF HE GOT OUT. WE NEED TO KNOW. WE NEED TO FIND OUT."

I hung up and threw the phone at the wall. I HATED my phone. The one time I really needed it I couldn't use it. My phone can tell me where anything in the world is located, it can do my math homework for me, it can even send messages without typing - but it can't CALL for HELP? I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. My mother was outside with my sister and brother. I could feel it. I just knew. But, he was inside the house. I didn't know exactly who "he" was, but I knew I would be nothing if he was not okay. I had to find him and get us out of the house.

I didn't have time to keep messing around. The fire was swelling and the temperature was rising like a pre-heated oven. I tied a thin long-sleeved shirt around my face to act like a filter. I didn't want to breathe in any smoke. I mean, people die from that.

I saw flames. Red. Orange. Yellow. Blue. Moving upwards and downwards like giant flickering candles. They were loud. I could hear a fire engine somewhere in the distance. For a moment, I felt bad about throwing the phone. I didn't feel bad for too long, though. I could hear the floorboards breaking from the intense heat. The breaking of the boards sounded like waves on the beach crashing. It was hard to not feel claustrophobic.

For a moment, I saw myself outside. I saw myself next to a medic, and a rescue team and my family.

I did not see him. I began to panic.

Nobody knew where he was. Nobody heard me when I asked. Nobody heard me when I screamed. Nobody turned to look at me when I shouted his name.

My mother grabbed my ears in her hands and told me it would be okay. No matter what happens, It will be okay.

That was b******t.

If he was not here, it would not be okay.

In the next moment, I was transported back into the house. I was in my doorway, the flames still dancing around me. Through the spaces, I saw a green couch. I looked harder and saw an arm. He was on the couch.

I ran. I ran so hard. I felt the skin burn on my calves. I felt my socks catch fire. I felt my body stiffen. I felt the adrenaline pounding in my ears. I was closer to the couch and It was worth it. I hurt, but it was worth it.

Between the couch and I there was one large flame. It was shaped like a princess-style wedding dress with a long train behind it. I concluded that I could not run through this without burning my legs off.

I began to panic. I could not get to the couch. I could not get to him. I was going to die. He was going to die. I felt numb. I felt cold. I felt...

I was then taken to a field of grass. The grass was tall and soft. It was all around me. The grass was safe. I looked up at the pale blue sky. I smiled. I could smell the trees. I could feel the freshness around me. It was so clean here. I looked around and saw no one. I looked the other way and jumped. He was there. He was smiling at me. He moved my hair out of my face and took my hand. He said, "hold on to me". I was confused.

"what?", I fumbled the word slowly out of my mouth like it was a piece of old chewing gum that was stuck to my teeth.

The voice became louder and louder. It became more urgent, more intense and more threatening. I became afraid. His voice was no longer his own. I shut my eyes. Then he took my other hand and I fell.

I fell through the grass. I was falling downwards. I felt my head whip around.

Someone had grabbed my arm. He was in a firefighter suit. My feet had gone through the wood floor in the living room. The dress of flames had been partially extinguished. I could see the doorway out. I could see the yellow hallways that led to the elevators and the stairs. I saw safety.

I allowed myself to be carried by the firefighter. He carried me towards the door. I was still somewhat conscious as we approached it. My eyes rolled around and I saw the hand under the pillow. I saw his hand. I began to scream. I began to kick and hit. I began to resist the firefighter. He would not let me go. I felt like I was running on air. I began to tread the smoke like water and hung on to each piece of furniture I could. I was not leaving without him. He was stronger than I ever will be. He took me to the stairwell and began to carry me down the stairs. I kicked him hard in the gut. He let go.

I ran. I have never ran so fast before in my life. I went to the couch and removed the pillows - chucking them into the flames. They were swallowed, and like a monster, the flames grew bigger and fatter. I saw his unconscious face. Partial relief. I grabbed his body and attempted to move him. I was so weak. I couldn't move him. I began to scream. Frusteration. Nobody could hear me. The flames answered with more crackling. They were teasing me. I grabbed him again and tried so hard to move his body. I wanted him to be safe already. I wanted us to be okay. I grabbed his arms, I could not drag him. I tried his legs, he would not be moved.

So I held on. I cuddled myself between the sofa cushions that were fastened to the back of the couch and his body. I wrapped his arms around me. I wove his fingers through mine like he had done so many times before. I forced his legs between my own to secure them. I pulled his feet into me. I tilted his face towards my shoulder and put his back towards the flames. I hugged him so tightly. I would never let go.

I did everything I could do. I began to sing. It would be okay. Anytime he was upset, he asked me to sing. So dammit, I sang. I sang until I cried. I cried until I gave up. I gave up and I shut my eyes.

We woke up. It was white. I knew he was there. But I didn't feel him next to me.

I didn't know if we were in a hospital, or in the field of grass, or somewhere else. I didn't know if we were still on the couch with death sliding over us, numbing the burning.

But he was here. He was with me. It was okay. It was okay now.

I shut my eyes tightly.

And then I woke up.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Musik Mondays

The Real Top Ten
Music Monday

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”
― Albert Einstein

10) A Thousand Years - Christina Perri

09) Maybe - Ingrid Michaelson

08) The Wild Hunt - The Tallest Man on Earth

07) I just wanna be free - The Handcuffs

06) We Found House (3LAU Progressive) - Dinka ft. Coldplay

05) Ass Back Home (ft. Neon Hitch) - Gym Class Heroes

04) Oh, Death! - Pearl & the Beard

03) Like it or Not (Version 1) - Architecture in Helsinki

02) Dark Horse - Bella Ruse

01) Into the Wild - LP

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Thing's Im Learning (10)

Life Lesson No. 10:

final exams in the middle of the year was a very stupid idea.

also, i didn't think it was possible but i can actually feel the synapses in my brain.

Hands

empty |ˈem(p)tē|

adjective ( -tier , -tiest )containing nothing; not filled or occupied

freedom |ˈfrēdəm|noun

the state of being physically unrestricted and able to move easily

almost |ôlˈmōst; ˈôlˌmōst|adverbnot quite; very nearly

intertwine |ˌintərˈtwīn|verb

[ trans. ] figurative connect or link (two or more things) closely

inspect |inˈspekt|verb [ trans. ]look at (someone or something) closely, typically to assess their conditionor to discover any shortcomings.to examine (someone or something) to ensure that they reach an official standard

protect |prəˈtekt|verb [ trans. ]keep safe from harm

I keep promising to blog and I'm so lazy about it.
I feel awful about it, really. The worst part being that I miss this little space to vent and share.
Hopefully, friends, you're still following.
Hopefully, you'll be back for more :)
Thank you so much to those of you who are still following and reading along, I appreciate it.
I don't know where this is going to all go exactly... but let's see what happens. :)
xxR

Monday, October 31, 2011

i miss you

i miss you.

i really miss you. like a lot.
like,

a lot, a lot.

i feel the absence of you around me.
it tugs at my shoulders.
it provokes stress behind the fibers of my neck.
it strains my eyes.
it weighs down my smile.

it's like,
when you go,
chains entangle themselves around my soul.
around the little strings that keep my heart in place.
then.
they.
are.
pulled.
down.

down,

so far down.

tugged by a source i cannot figure out.
comprehend.
or want to.
and it pulls the glow from my eyes. and the shine from my day. when you're gone.

okay, so

it actually doesn't work that way.

but it feels like it.

it hurts like it.

maybe i am pathetic.

maybe.

maybe not.

i am happy.

happy always.

super happy.

smiley happy.

but on the inside

it hurts.

a little bit.

it pulls.

a lot a bit.

and thats enough to secretly taint the day.
why do i miss you so hard?
why does it have to hurt so much.
it's just love isn't it?
why.
why why why.
why why why why.

come back, come back, come back.
please.

my bed is too big for one and just right for two.
come back.
please.

get back here already.
i feel like my head is going to explode.

or maybe,

implode?

i miss you.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Mots

solitary |ˈsäləˌterē|

adjective

done or existing alone

sang·froid/säNGˈfrwä/

noun

composure or coolness as shown in danger or under trying circumstances

non·plussed/nänˈpləst/

adjective (of a person)

surprised and confused so much that they are unsure how to react

futile |ˈfyoōtl; -ˌtil|

adjective

incapable of producing any useful result; pointless

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Thursday

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Tuesday's Secret

Secret Number 11:

I've always wanted
to load my metro card
and take buses up and down
the city
to see where I end up
and who I meet
and what stories I will hear
and what I will learn
and how different the world really is
from the way I imagined
it to be.